Leaving...on a jet plane.

I've been kind of perplexed by "mommy guilt" which started when I couldn't nurse Cade, and decided to stop pumping and switch him to formula. Don't worry, we aren't going to talk about that again. But like I said, Google is not your friend. Neither is Pinterest. Or most blogs for that matter.

Last week I made a decision. I decided to purchase a plane ticket and go with my husband to Florida in 2 weeks. Without Cade.

Wipe the horror off your face =)

My husband is a Lineman (not to be confused with a linebacker...which I randomly get asked). He works for Nashville Electric Service and competes in Lineman Rodeos every year. They are competitions based around pole-climbing and work scenarios. Sounds boring, but they're so fun! We go for long weekends, which are nice little mini-vacations. Cody started competing when he was an apprentice the summer before we got married, 4 years ago. I've never missed a rodeo. So last year I was pumped when they announced the national rodeo would be in Florida this year. 3 days of summer weather in March? I was already packing my bags.

In June, we found out I was pregnant. I told Cody at that point to count me out. I was sad, but I just knew I wouldn't be able to leave my 7-8 week old baby at home. How did I know that? Because everyone told me so!

I didn't think much about the rodeo after that until sometime in December, when he started talking about it again. Cody never made me feel guilty about my decision, but would make random comments about how I'd never missed one, how he wished I was going, and how it wouldn't be the same without me there. But that he understood why I couldn't go. We talked about it off and on, and I never budged. Cade came a week early, and when Cody went back to work after being home with us for 2 weeks, he started rodeo practice. 

This is when I started wondering...

Could I go?

I mean, not am I physically able.

But could I leave Cade?

Because I really wanted to go. Not because they're so much fun or because I get to have a mini-vacation. I felt guilty because I've never missed one. It's important to Cody. These rodeos are something he looks forward to every year.

Who will take pictures?!

(Just Kidding. I'm sure that's the furthest thing from his mind.)

I still just knew I wouldn't be able to leave Cade.

Because people told me so.

Then I found myself looking up flights. And the hotel information. And at the rodeo agenda.

Then feeling guilty for considering leaving Cade.

So I prayed about it. I talked to Cody about it. I talked to our parents about it.

Then I decided to go.

Because as much as I am Cade's mom, I am also Cody's wife. His wife who has never missed a rodeo. And he would never make me feel bad for not going, but I know it means a lot to him. So I need to be there.

Last weekend Cade stayed with Cody's parents for the first time. He was 4 weeks old and he did absolutely fine (and so did I). Not only that, but we had a nice date and went to bed at 8:30! This weekend he will stay with my parents for the first time. Trial runs for when I'm in Florida (I'll be gone 2 nights, so the grandparents are splitting baby duty).

I know I'll miss him and I'll be ready to come home on Sunday and see him.

I also know that he will be in good hands and he'll be just fine.

Now you're probably saying, "What's your point in all this?!"

Well...

I struggled with this decision. I felt in my heart like I should be in Florida with my husband, supporting him. I knew Cade would be fine here with our parents and if anything happened they would call me in a heartbeat. They obviously know what they're doing...we turned out ok!

I think I struggled so much because of the expectation of what I should do. I had listened to so many people tell me I wouldn't be able to leave him, so I assumed that was true. But I didn't feel anxious or upset about him spending the night somewhere else. And then when I felt a little ok with leaving him, I felt guilty. What was wrong with me?

Then I realized, this is how Cody and I are. We are on-the-go people. We don't sit at home much, we like to keep busy. Mostly doing our own things, but we do a lot of stuff together too. So why would that change after a baby? Obviously a kid changes everything, but Cade won't change our personalities and who we are. We will be molding him instead. And as soon as he is big enough, we will pack him along everywhere we go. I'm pretty sure Cody is already planning hunting trips.

I should have realized all of this when we took him out to the park 2 days after being discharged from the hospital. We've been out and about ever since.

I'm not saying anything against people who aren't ready for their little ones to be away from them for a weekend, or even a night. I just realized that I shouldn't feel guilty for my own decisions. Parenting is unique to every person, and I'm starting to appreciate that more and more.