{Feeding Baby}

Guess who's hungry??

Sigh.

I've been looking forward to this post and avoiding it for a week now.

Notice it's called "Feeding Baby" and not "Breastfeeding Baby" or "Bottle Feeding Baby."

I fall into some middle category here.

In the first hour after birth, I attempted to nurse Cade a couple of times. He seemed a little interested but didn't latch well. My nurse told me not to worry, the lactation nurse will come see me in postpartum and help me. They weren't worried as long as we were trying to nurse and he had enough wet diapers to meet his quota. Most babies don't nurse well in the first 24 hours. This is because after being forced out into this huge scary place, they also have to learn how to latch, suck, swallow, and breath all at the same time.

Makes sense.

I attempted to nurse Cade that night and the next morning. Around lunchtime the next day the lactation nurse came to see me. We got Cade to latch but only for about 15 seconds. He acted uninterested and would either fall asleep every time I tried to feed him or it seemed like he would get frustrated and start screaming. The nurse suggested I keep trying, and in between feedings I should pump and syringe-feed him so he would get the colostrum I was making. So this is what I did while in the hospital. She gave me a nipple shield to use (which makes your nipple more like the shape of a bottle). He did better latching to it, but she told me I still needed to nurse without it or he would become dependent and not be able to feed otherwise. Other than this, she gave me a number to their lactation help line, but no other real advice.

I was discharged the next morning after Cade's circumcision was performed. This apparently makes little boys very sleepy and he was too tired to nurse before we left the hospital.

At home, we kept trying. Cade would latch (using the nipple shield) and and nurse for a minute before either becoming tired or fussing. After about 10 minutes of this every 2 hours, he would become uninterested.  I pumped in between feedings to keep my supply up.

When we took him to the doctor on the Wednesday after he was born, he had lost 10 ounces and then weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces. This was after weighing him twice because the first time he weighed under 6 pounds. Cade's pediatrician told us that he was ok but didn't need to lose anymore weight or we would need to supplement with formula. I was frustrated and worried for him. He hadn't slept good the past 2 nights. Both nights he had been awake at some point for at least 2 hours crying.

I felt like at this point I needed to do something different. I didn't want to start formula yet. So I started pumping and bottle feeding. The first night after we started this, he slept so much better and seemed more content. I still tried to nurse Cade every day, but he wouldn't latch. He could get from a bottle in 10 minutes what it took him 45 minutes to get nursing. We are now in our 3rd week at home, and he will not latch at all.

I now exclusively pump and bottle feed. It works for us because he is still getting breast milk, and it allows Cody and I both to feed him.

This should make everyone happy, right?

Let me just tell you, my pump and I have a love-hate relationship right now. It wasn't so bad for the first week, but pumping is now becoming a chore that I do not enjoy. I pump every 3 hours around the clock to feed Cade. I am able to freeze some every day, so we have a growing stock in the freezer. It's difficult because I am very independent. I now have to plan my day around not only Cade's feeding but my pumping as well. It wasn't as bad when Cody was home because if Cade was crying or needed something while I pumped, he could handle it. Now that he's back at work I'm on my own.

Enter Mommy Guilt.

I feel like I should have tried longer to get Cade to latch and nurse. Everything I read online said you should give a newborn a bottle until they're 4-6 weeks old because they use different muscles to breast- and bottle-feed. If you introduce a bottle too early they will become dependent and forget how to latch to the breast. It also said you should try to breastfeed exclusively for at least 4 weeks before ruling it out. I almost feel like I gave up in some sense. But after days of exhaustion and him losing weight, I just felt like I was doing what I needed to for Cade. 4 weeks is a long time to attempt something that isn't working.

I feel guilty for making my husband do more work. He is back at his job this week and I always envisioned being able to handle the feeding and changing at night so he could rest. Not that he's complained one time, because he hasn't. But he also works a dangerous job and I'd like him to have all the sleep he can get. It's not working out that way because with pumping, everything takes twice as long for me to do. Most of the time Cade cries when I change his diaper, which wakes Cody. He will go get a bottle warmed while I'm changing the baby, and then he feeds him while I pump. This process takes about 30 minutes. When Cade wakes up at night and doesn't wake Cody, I change him first, then feed him a bottle. I then settle him back down and go pump (because he generally wakes every 3-4 hours at night and I refuse to set an alarm clock to wake me up just to pump). This process takes me about an hour. Once I finally get back to sleep (after washing pump parts) I only have about 1.5 hours until we start over again.

.

I feel guilty for my own frustration with pumping. I really am glad I'm able to feed Cade breast milk because know it's what is best for him to grow and develop. With that said, every time I have to sit and pump I feel extremely annoyed. It's not that it's hard or takes an exceptionally long time, but every 3 hours around the clock? You'd be tired of it too. Like I said, I have to plan my whole day now around when I can pump and feed. Feeding him is no problem. Not being about to be away from home for more than a few hours is the problem. Unless I want to pack my breast pump with me and pump while I'm out. Looking into the future, I don't know how long I can continue. This is selfish (more guilt) but what about vacations this summer? My husband's work trip I'm going on? Life in general? Will I be able to handle packing my pump and a cooler everywhere with me so I don't waste what I make?

At this point I'm considering talking to Cade's pediatrician about weaning him to formula. Yep, more guilt right there. Because I feel like as long as I can breastfeed, I should breastfeed. Am I doing wrong by my baby? Probably not. There are babies born every day who are formula fed and are just fine. So why do I feel so bad about all of this?

Do you have suggestions? An experience to share? I'd love to hear it :)